Today was a day that I had been looking forward to for a long time, a really long time, years in fact. It was a day as a teacher that was full of fun, great to see students interacting with their moms forming relationships, bonding and making memories. However, it was a day that also in the past had brought a lot of grief a long with it. I don't remember if I started this day in my first or second year of teaching, but for many of the years I had been childless and "trying". Being a mom was something that I greatly desired and looked forward to. I wanted to have a little person to teach and watch grow and foster their development and to go to muffins with mom at preschool! I wanted to laugh with them, read books to them and play in the snow with and so many more things that would take me hours to write and bore you with. I enjoyed this day as a teacher, which is why I kept doing it, but it also brought pain.
I think about Laura Story's song "Blessings" and know that my 2 little blessings are here in our home because of someone else's choice to give them life and make an adoption plan. Those two brave, courageous women didn't "give up their baby". They made a plan that was best for the child and some how, that's us. Those two lovely ladies don't get to go to "muffins with mom" or see their smiles every day or hear their silly jokes. And I know, that God gives them blessings along their way, too. They don't "forget" about their baby and there are things along their way that bring up stings of pain for the child they birthed. Pray for them.
During our "wait" to become parents (prior to the adoption journey and during) we often would pray similar to these lyrics...
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We had rain, tears, sleepless nights, times of doubt and wondering WHEN. It was so HARD. Much harder than ANYONE ever expressed it would be. No one talks about when you're young that a lot of people aren't able to have babies/children in their own time. As a young adult, it just seemed to happen to people and we didn't see the difficulties couples experienced. I would venture to say that most couples don't talk about what's going to happen when/if we can't get pregnant when they're dating (unless they already know of specific circumstances with them self or have had a family member go through something.) You just expect you'll get pregnant. And then, once you adopt, people expect you'll get pregnant. I'm so ANTI this. It hurts, even though people don't mean it to. Yes, there have been *some* people who have gotten pregnant after they adopt, that's a HUGE miracle from God.
Our blessings have come through a long journey of rain, healing has come through tears, we still get some sleepless nights, there are still trials that draw us nearer to Jesus. And sadly, I know several people walking this barren, grief stricken road right now and I hurt for them and wonder when God, when will the desires of their hearts be filled. This road is so tough, but Nate and I talked recently how we wouldn't want it any other way. We'd walk this road all over again (maybe slightly different), but we would, because we know the gift at the end of that road. I can't say ALL of those feelings have been forgotten (you know, people said, all those tough feelings, and hardness will all go away when you hold that baby...), they don't just disappear. But it's what you choose to do with it along the way.
Choosing hope and happiness. Being happy for those who get pregnant because it's a tiny miracle and that child needs prayer and love, too. It's way more fun to be upbeat and happy and cheerful than to be down trodden. This is HARD, I was not like that all the time, it's a difficult choice to make, one you have to choose daily, because it's not natural. I'm reminded of a verse from Joshua 24:15, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve...but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
(Thanks to Coach Korver for instilling this in class at NWC.)
I feel so honored that God chose me to be this little boys mama, mommy, mom, Mrs. Mommy and his preschool teacher. I was very consumed in the day in the teacher side of today that I didn't spend any time processing what was actually happening on the mom side of the event while it was happening. I know that I enjoyed seeing him being his social little self and help him make a T-Rex puppet because of course that's what he would want! He may not have eaten more than one nibble of his double chocolate chip muffin, but he can carry on a conversation and make others smile. He makes me smile.
I got to be his mom at muffins with mom and every day and for that I am grateful!
